Waiting on God

This past year has been a big time of waiting on God for me. Whether it be regarding hearing from grad schools, job possibilities, graduate assistant positions, grades, or a study abroad application, God has had me waiting. It's always been a major theme in my life, but the past year has been such a test of how I respond when faced with uncertainty.

I recently was accepted to study abroad in Ireland with the School of Social Work for two weeks in May for class credit. I've never been able to afford studying abroad and am so ecstatic about this opportunity! Ireland is on my bucket list of places to go before I die and I am more than happy for this chance to visit the land of my heritage...(not really but I wish haha). It's beautiful there and I think it will be a perfect transition into my spring/summer semester of classes and an internship. 

In other news, some big changes have been in the works for awhile now. After a lot of prayer, talking, and consideration, Jake recently accepted a full-time position as a Worship Pastor/Director at his home church. This is his last semester at GV and he will be starting the position in May/June. This next year we will be on opposite sides of the state. 

The day he accepted the position officially, I wrote my thoughts down...here's what I came up with.

My thoughts from December 16, 2010:

Today, Jake officially decided to accept a position as a worship leader/pastor at Rockpointe Community Church, his home church. After a lot of stress, worrying, weighing, praying, and contemplating, he has been led to accept this position for the upcoming year and leave Grand Valley behind. We're not sure of all the details quite yet, but we are very excited about this opportunity for him to serve God and minister to his church.

I know he is an excellent person for this position and that his heart is in the right place. I know he will do a fantastic job and that it is important to him to see his church grow and flourish during a season of change for so many churches across the world. It's as though churches are facing a turning point: continue on in the way things have been or take a new path and dig deeper to learn what it truly means to stand in Christ and live life as a follower of God. Jake is passionate about worship and his heart is so beautiful, especially when he is leading worship or playing music in honor of God. It's one of the things I first noticed about him when I went to Campus Ministry services my junior year. There's a difference between leading worship/playing for worship for your own "stuff," whatever it may be, and playing for the glory of God. Just by looking at him, or by listening to him play and sing alone, you can tell, without a doubt, that Jake's heart is after God, and in those moments of worship, it is for God's glory alone he is playing. It's incredible to be in his presence when he worships (though a bit distracting for me...hence I close my eyes to focus) and to hear him talk about his pursuit of God. This new adventure in his life...our lives...will be an incredible journey to embark upon.

That being said, I cannot help but feel anxious in this season. I have known for awhile that change was upon us each individually, but also as a couple, regarding our present but mostly our future. I have a lot of feelings about this change, as I know it is a wonderful thing for our lives and God will bless Jake richly for following His command, but I also know the reality of agreeing to become public representatives of Christ. You would think that we already are, and in some ways, you would be right. However, when someone agrees to take a position in the church, it is then that you are agreeing to put yourself out there, really out there, and open up your life to be commented and critiqued by members of the congregation. It is almost as if you become a "celebrity" of sorts...in regards to the public attention. Your personal life is on display and anything that may not be "up-to-par" or shiny and clean is subject to discussion.

I think a lot of it is that I'm scared. Am I good enough to be his wife? Am I the right person to stand beside him on this path? Do I "have it together" enough to be a worship leader's wife? I have struggled this year to find my grounding and feel rooted in who I am in Christ. I want to know God more. I want to be the best possible wife to Jake in the future. I want to really know I am loved and accepted not only by Christ for who I am, but also by myself. I'm just scared I won't be able to get a hold on it in time.

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I'm really excited for Jake and so proud of him! I know he will do an amazing job as the Worship Director at Rockpointe and can't wait to see what God has for Jake there. I will be traveling to Ireland in May when he moves back and when I return, I will be starting my spring/summer classes and the first semester of my internship. Lizzie (Jake's sister-in-law) is having another baby in mid-May so that is something we're all looking forward to also! I know I will be learning a lot in the next year and it may be a struggle frequently, but God has me in His hands and I will grow in this time.

I've been really stressed lately. I'm not quite sure how to manage everything on my mind and want to excel. I feel like I'm constantly taking one step forward, two steps back in making progress in my life. I have a lot I need to get together yet. I realize I'll never 100% have it together, but I feel so far from even sort of having it together that it's been really discouraging and frustrating. 

Most of the things I'm concerned about, there is nothing I can currently do to change them. It turns out that this is just another one of those times where I need to rely on God and wait on His perfect timing and grace to see me through the ups and downs of life. Until next time friends...

With love,
Amanda